first day of classes. ma tesol/ulpan. tel aviv university. holy. shit.
a recent and fairly consistent thought: what the f— am i doing here?
yes. really! c’mon, guys. the slides are in the projector. let’s click back a few. awesome friends, excellent apartment, money to spare on ice cream and beer, beautiful views…
ok. forwards now. but just a few clicks of the knob: tamar contemplates two big life goals. loving family companionship partnership, breaking through by breaking down into the ground, digging deep, getting really vulnerable, learning to tell the truest truth and listen when it’s spoken. uhm. and learning deep into the curiosity of years’ old curiosity – language, talking, verbs, dictionaries, accents, questions, speaking, conversing, communicating, exchanging, tongue to roof of mouth: currency of telling, telling. (this is all code for learning to teach and teaching to learn language!)
and now to right here. tamar on a bed with mis-fitting sheets, five floors up, facing the mediterranean…! (well, facing the wall at the moment, but the window faces that sea, even at night with the shade down…) here i am: digging, telling, asking, breaking down to build to build to build, and: please god, let me build up.
finding my way between past and present: get to it. get to what i am capable of back then, right now. right now i can look at the steps i am taking up the street between what? and huh? and find myself saying yes. and sure. not yes! and sure! just yes. yes. and sure. definitely. sure.
back then, right now, i find a way to buy groceries, school supplies, find a way to do homework because learning this stuff is either impossible or possible. the greatest predictor of school success is optimism. (did i read that or hear that today? honestly, i think that might be from facebook. maybe a prince ea video.)
anyway, i didn’t imagine it, but i am imagining it now: optimism in my nescafe, optimism in the flowers blooming from tree limbs that reach over painted gates to greet the sidewalk, optimism that reviews and reads aloud, optimism that places sharp pencils into pencil case, optimism that puts lines of poetry on the fridge door and looks at the few book spines of pleasure reading on the shelf and looks forward to deepening the indigenous groove of learning that is dug deep in the soft circuitry of the brain, the heart, the brain, the being…
being here. back then. right now. right now. right now.